PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...
WHO'S THIS?
I...THINK THAT'S A PORTRAIT I MUST HAVE PAINTED
OF OUR DEAD NEIGHBOR.
WHY?
Tara: IT'S THE HUBBARD HOUSE THAT'S MAKING IT HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE THING THAT YOU HAD WITH MY WIFE?
[ Voice breaking ] BUCK, I LOVE YOU.
[ Sobbing ] I LOVE YOU.
WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS. WE'RE PREGNANT!
FOUND OUT TODAY THAT THE BABY'S NOT NICK'S.
CHARMAINE'S PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY. WHAT?
CONGRATULATIONS, CHARM. YOU OFFICIALLY HAVE NO SOUL.
YOU HAVE GOT TO GO, OKAY? THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.
I'LL LEAVE.
I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS. IT'S A LIAR BOX.
LYNDA AND I ARE SETTING UP A TABLE
AT THIS COMIC SHOP IN KC-MO
TO SELL PICTURES OF ME FOR MONEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT I'M NOT DOING?
Knatasha: I STARTED AN ONLINE WISHLIST.
KIND OF LIKE A BRIDAL REGISTRY.
YOU HELP THEM GET OFF,
AND VOILA -- YOUR DISHES ARE SPARKLING CLEAN.
I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING INSPIRED TO WORK AT HOME LATELY.
WHEN I SAW YOU AND YOUR WORK...
I MADE A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.
CUTTING IT A LITTLE CLOSE?
I'M SO SORRY.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? MAX!
THE GUY'S GONNA BE HERE IN AN HOUR.
I'M JUST GETTING LYNDA A FEW ART SUPPLIES,
AND THEN I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
* OPEN UP THE SKY
* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH
* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *
* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE
* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *
[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
HI.
HEY, SO, I FOUND THIS IN THE GARBAGE.
YOU KNOW, I DID CONSIDER KEEPING IT --
YOU KNOW, JUST SO I COULD ALWAYS BE REMINDED
OF HOW MY ACTIONS AFFECT OTHERS.
[ CHUCKLES ] OVERRATED.
[ Chuckling ] I KNOW.
SO, YOU COOL IF I USE IT, OR...?
OKAY, YEAH.
BUT, UM...
WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT MASKING TAPE?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST...
OH, HEY, YOUR DAD TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR DECISION.
YOU KNOW, ABOUT... BEING GAY.
SO, I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
IF YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO --
GOODBYE, MOM.
[ POP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, GOD.
THIS HOUSE IS LIKE A HIVE OF HUMANS
STARING AT THEIR OWN PERSONAL SCREENS.
WHAT UP?
YOU'D RATHER WE ALL WENT BOWLING
OR ICE SKATING OR SOMETHING?
HOW ABOUT ICE BOWLING?
I WAS THINKING
MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME DOWN TO LYNDA'S.
THAT ART WALK "FIRST FRIDAYS" THING IS COMING UP, AND --
YEAH, BEEN TO A FEW OF THOSE MYSELF.
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE DUDE ON THE STILTS.
HE'S REALLY TALL.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME?
LET'S SEE -- YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING
FROM MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD
AND MADE IT YOURS.
SO... NO, I THINK I'LL PASS.
WELL, I THOUGHT WE COULD BOTH --
"BOTH," LIKE "YOU AND ME"? YEAH, SURE.
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S CALL GRANDMA BEV
AND SEE IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO LOLLYGAG
AROUND LYNDA'S PLACE IN A NICE SENSIBLE BEIGE PANT.
HEY -- I AM NOTHING LIKE GRANDMA BEV.
AND I AM NOTHING LIKE REMOTELY AVAILABLE
TO HAVE THIS CHAT WITH YOU.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE.
FINE.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
[ SIGHS ]
HEY. Hi.
Is this Princess Valhalla Hawkwind?
YES, IT IS.
NOW, LET'S DO DIS.
OH, MY GOD! I JUST SAW TARA!
SHE'S SO SMILEY!
IS ONE OF HER ALTERS FUCKING A CLOWN?
HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH OF ANY ALTERS LATELY.
IT'S ALL TARA.
SHE'S BEEN SPENDING TIME DOWNTOWN
AT THAT LADY'S LOFT LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
KATE'S FRIEND? YEAH.
PROBABLY PRANCING AROUND DOWN THERE, FINGER-PAINTING,
DANCING TO THE INDIGO GIRLS.
[ SIGHS ]
YEAH, YOU'RE PISSED.
NO, I'M NOT. I'M HAPPY FOR HER.
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE NEEDS.
SO...I FINALLY HAD MY "AHA" MOMENT.
MEANING...?
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
WELL, I HAD THE REALIZATION
THAT I'M KIND OF GLAD YOU OUTED ME.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ONLY AS SICK AS YOUR SECRETS,
AND I'M SICK OF BEING SICK.
NEW THERAPIST?
NO, NEW ISSUE -- O MAGAZINE.
[ SCOFFS ]
WHAT? THEY'VE GOT POEMS, MAX -- MONTHLY POEMS.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT.
OKAY, HERE'S MY PLAN.
YOU KNOW HOW THOSE FAMOUS LADIES ADOPT ORPHAN BABIES
FROM, LIKE, MALAWI OR WHATEVER?
YEAH. SO?
WHAT IF... NICK COULD THINK OF HIMSELF
AS AN ADOPTIVE FATHER?
LIKE, WHAT IF HE HAD MET ME
WHEN I WAS SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF ADOPTING A BABY?
FROM AFRICA.
WELL, YOU HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN
WHILE YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM, CHAR.
GUYS USUALLY HAVE A PRETTY FUCKING HARD TIME GETTING OVER THAT STUFF.
I KNOW, BUT...
WHY?
HMM.
SO, ON THE SCALE OF GAYNESS,
I'M THINKING ALEX WOULD BE A 10.
SO, YOU MEAN, LIKE, 10 BEING
THE MOST QUEENY, FLOUNCY, FLAMY HOMO IN THE LAND
AND 1 BEING, LIKE, CRAIG T. NELSON?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
OR, LIKE, 1 BEING, LIKE, JASON MAURIO?
JASON MAURIO IS, LIKE...
[ SIGHS ] HE'S, LIKE, A 3.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TOGETHER, ANYWAY?
IT?
JUST...KISSED.
AND, UH... A LITTLE DRY HUMPING.
MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH TO STAY DRY.
[ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]
I'M ONLY ATTRACTED TO TOTAL MANLYS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE 1s AND 2s.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, A 5?
I AM NOT A 5, OKAY?
I DON'T TALK GAY, I DON'T WALK GAY.
I MEAN, PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY UNLESS I'M...
BLOWING THEM?
[ LAUGHS ]
AW, MARSHALL'S COMING OUT OF HIS LITTLE TURTLE SHELL.
I AM NOT A TURTLE.
TURTLE.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD!
THIS PLACE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT!
I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AGES.
I KNOW.
YOU BEEN BUSY!
SO HAVE YOU.
MMM. MMM.
YOU TASTE GOOD.
YOU THINK WE COULD... MAKE A TIME?
HMM?
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
YOU MEAN... A TIME TO SEE EACH OTHER,
OR A TIME TO GET TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT
WHEN WE CAN MAKE A TIME TO SEE EACH OTHER?
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
OKAY.
I'M SORRY.
[ SIGHS ] I GOT TO GO.
OKAY, SCOOT ALONG.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
* FIRST I'M HERE, THEN I'M THERE *
* AND I KNOW IT'S A DRAG
* BUT I'M HERE
HI.
WELCOME BACK.
[ SIGHS ]
KATE IS JUST SO PISSY.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A MOTHER/DAUGHTER THING
OR A WOMAN THING OR...
IT'S PROBABLY JUST ME.
SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME
YOU NEED TO MAKE ART AS IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD.
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, BUT NOT YOUR KIDS.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SPEAK TO MINE.
YOU'VE GOT KIDS?
THREE.
WELL, TWO OF MY OWN, PLUS A STEPDAUGHTER.
MY STEPDAUGHTER'S A LITTLE MANIPULATOR.
FUCKING BITCH.
MY OWN DAUGHTER...
[ CHUCKLES ]
SHE STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME.
THAT WAS HER CHOICE. SHE'LL COME AROUND.
SON -- HE DOES WHATEVER HIS SISTER DOES.
OH, MAN. THAT MUST BE SO HARD.
MNH-MNH. THEY'RE ALL GROWN.
I GUESS IT'S KIND OF FUN TO THINK ABOUT.
LIFE WITHOUT YOUR KIDS. LIFE JUST FOR YOURSELF.
THEN YOU REALIZE THAT WAS THE ONLY THING
HOLDING THE MARRIAGE TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY KIDS WERE GROWN,
MY HUSBAND AND I TOOK ONE LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND WENT, "OKAY, NO MORE AUDIENCE.
TIME TO CLOSE THE SHOW."
[ LIGHTER CLICKS ]
SO, YOU'RE DIVORCED?
YOU THINK I'D HAVE TIME FOR ALL THIS IF I HAD SOME MAN
RUNNING AROUND SAYING, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? SCRATCH MY BACK.
MAKE ME SOME CHUNKY SOUP!"
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND THEN DANIELLE SHOWS UP, EVEN THOUGH SHE WASN'T INVITED,
AND THEN TERESA AND CAROLINE GO, "LET'S BEAT HER ASS,"
Uh, I'm sorry, but...
I don't actually watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."
OH.
I-I THOUGHT YOU SAID I COULD TALK ABOUT WHATEVER I WANTED.
I did.
But now I want to do something else.
OKAY.
WHAT?
Do you have any cake?
CAKE?
WHY?
Um...
I was hoping you could, um...
sit on it.
[ SCOFFS LIGHTLY ]
THE BABY ISN'T MINE?
IT'S -- IT'S NEIL'S?
[ INHALES DEEPLY ] BIOLOGICALLY.
BUT THE BABY'S YOURS SPIRITUALLY.
LOOK, NICK, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT.
WE TALKED ABOUT THAT ON OUR FIRST DATE --
ON OUR VERY FIRST DATE.
GOD, DOESN'T THIS PLACE REMIND YOU
OF A EUROPEAN GUM COMMERCIAL?
CHARMAINE, FOCUS.
[ SIGHS ]
DO YOU --
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
REMIND ME.
YOU LIED TO ME.
YOU TOLD ME...
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE KEEPING YOURSELF PURE
AT YOUR SISTER'S HOUSE SO THAT ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT,
I-IT'D FEEL LIKE OUR FIRST TIME AGAIN.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
LOOK, IT WAS JUST THIS ONE AWFUL NIGHT, OKAY?
WHEN I WATCHED THIS DOCUMENTARY ABOUT CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME,
AND THEN I BECAME CONVINCED
THAT I HAD CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME,
AND I WAS IN THIS STATE, AND NEIL CAME OVER, AND HE --
DID HE FORCE HIMSELF ON YOU?
[ SIGHS ]
SORT OF.
I MEAN, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
WELL, YEAH, KIND OF -- EMOTIONALLY.
HE MADE ME FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.
I MEAN, I'VE GOT THIS NATURAL CARETAKER THING
THAT SOMETIMES BITES ME IN THE ASS.
[ SIGHS ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I MEAN, I'M...
I'M REALLY BLINDSIDED HERE.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I AM, TOO.
LOOK, I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, OKAY?
I NEED HELP.
I NEED SOMEONE WHO... LOVES ME.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
LOOK, I NEVER BELIEVED MY PRINCE CHARMING WAS OUT THERE.
SO EVEN AFTER YOU CAME ALONG,
I STILL BELIEVED THAT YOU WERE PRETEND.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK. I FUCKED UP, OKAY?
I SO FUCKED UP.
BUT PLEASE...
PLEASE DON'T PUT ME OUT INTO THE STREETS.
HELP ME... BELIEVE IN LOVE.
So, I was checking out your wishlist.
I see you want a Kindle, a Coach purse.
OR THE MAGIC BULLET.
I'M FUCKING WILD ABOUT THAT MAGIC BULLET.
ALL RIGHT.
SO... TELL ME, KIND SIR...
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I JUST... SIT ON THIS THING?
Yeah, but...first you need to turn away from me.
So I can see your ass.
But I want to see your face, too.
WAIT. BEFORE I DO THIS, HELP A LADY OUT.
DO I HATE THIS, OR DO I LIKE THIS?
You're surprised.
You don't know you're about to sit on the cake.
OKAY.
[ MOANS LIGHTLY ]
[ SIGHS LIGHTLY ] [ Sighs ]
[ GASPS ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.
ALL THIS DICING AND CHOPPING IS ENDLESS.
HEY, ONLY THREE OF US TONIGHT, BUDDY,
'CAUSE CHARMAINE'S OUT WITH NICK.
NICK?
WOW. OKAY.
AND MOM'S WORKING, SO...
YOU WANT TO CALL LIONEL, INVITE HIM OVER FOR DINNER?
NO.
YOU WANT TO INVITE HIM TO YOUR MOM'S THING?
GOD! STOP WITH YOUR PIMPING ACTION.
LET A YOUNG MAN LIVE HIS LIFE.
HEY, DAD, IS THERE ANY WAY
WE CAN MAKE OUR SHOWERS HOTTER?
I WANT IT REALLY, LIKE...SCALDY.
SURE.
WHATCHA DOING UP THERE ALL DAY?
LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB?
SORT OF.
SO, GUYS, WE'RE ALL GONNA GO TO MOM'S THING TOMORROW, RIGHT?
IF BY "ALL OF US," YOU MEAN "EVERYONE EXCEPT ME,"
THEN YES, SIR, YOU ARE CORRECT.
YOU SHOULD GO.
SHE'S NEVER ACTUALLY HAD AN ART SHOW BEFORE,
AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER.
EXCEPT FOR A LITTLE ART SHOW WE'VE ALL BEEN FORCED TO WITNESS
CALLED HER LIFE.
"NO STARS!" SAYS KATE GREGSON
OF THE OVERLAND PARK PARENT REVIEW.
HEY, MARSH, IF IT'S COOL WITH YOU,
I'M GONNA GET MINE TO GO, OKAY?
OKAY.
THAT YOUR HOUSE?
NOPE.
HOUSE YOU GREW UP IN?
UNH-UNH.
WHO TOLD YOU TO PUT ALL THE LITTLE STONES ON IT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE TOLD ME?
YOU GOT A WHOLE SYSTEM IN THERE I KNOW ABOUT.
YOU MAKE ART WITH ALL YOUR SELVES.
HMM.
I, UH, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SO...CURIOUS ABOUT D.I.D.
WHEN I DROPPED OUT OF THE SCENE,
THEY WERE STILL CALLING YOU GUYS "MULTIPLES."
BUT...
WHEN I WAS LOCKED UP, I HAD A ROOMMATE LIKE YOU.
SHE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT.
I DON'T JUDGE.
LET ME SEE --
I HAVE BEEN CALLED BORDERLINE, BIPOLAR, DEPRESSIVE,
GARDEN-VARIETY HYSTERICAL WOMAN,
POST-PARTUM, PRE-PARTUM, PARTUM-PARTUM,
FUCKED-UP, ANGELA DAVIS, ANGRY-BLACK-WOMAN SYNDROME.
[ Chuckling ] I HEARD IT ALL, BABY.
I GAVE UP ON THAT "WHITE FLOOR, BRIGHT LIGHTS" SCENE.
I FEEL MUCH BETTER HERE.
[ VEHICLE APPROACHES, VEHICLE DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
MUST BE OUR PEKING DUCK.
SURPRISE DELIVERY.
I...CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
YEAH, I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.
GOT THE PLATES AND EVERYTHING.
WERE YOU -- WERE YOU GONNA STAY?
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE A LITTLE EXCITED TO SEE ME.
TAKE A BREAK? YOU KNOW, CATCH UP?
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, WE'RE STILL WORKING,
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GET ALL...
DISTRACTED?
I NEED $26.50.
I WOULD PAY,
BUT YOU USED UP TWO TUBES OF MY WHITE LIQUITEX.
[ CHUCKLES ] I GOT MY CREDIT CARD HERE.
THEY DON'T TAKE PLASTIC.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
HERE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
THINK I WAS GONNA MEMORIZE THE NUMBERS,
LIKE SOME "RAIN MAN" SHIT?
DON'T FUCK WITH ME.
YOU'RE ONLY IN OUR FAMILY'S LIVES
BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER CAUGHT YOU COMMITTING IDENTITY THEFT.
IT'S NOT THEFT IF YOU CREATED THE IDENTITY.
MAN, THAT SMELLS GOOD.
YOU LADIES GOT A LITTLE BUFFET TO CHOOSE FROM --
CHINESE OR OVERLAND PARK GAY GOURMET.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
[ KEYS JINGLE ]
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO --
NO, NO. ENJOY YOUR DINNER.
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
GOD, I FEEL TERRIBLE.
DON'T.
DOESN'T DO ANYBODY ANY FAVORS.
LET'S HAVE SOME DUCK.
[ AIR HISSES ]
[ BALLOON SQUEAKS ]
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE BALLOONS?
WELL, HAVE YOU BEEN ENJOYING THAT MAGIC BULLET
THAT ARRIVED THIS MORNING?
YES.
IT'S SUCH AN AFFORDABLE ALTERNATIVE TO A CUISINART.
WELL, A GUY PUT IT IN MY ONLINE WISHLIST
AFTER I SAT ON A CAKE.
AFTER I MET HIM AT A COMIC-BOOK STORE.
THERE'S HUNDREDS MORE GUYS JUST LIKE HIM.
I DO SHIT, AND THEY BUY ME STUFF.
HUH.
HEY, IN TERMS OF, LIKE, HOW PEOPLE SEE ME,
HOW GAY DO I ACT, ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10?
10.
10's THE GAYEST.
OH.
11.
[ LAUGHS ]
OOH. METHINKS IT'S NIGH ON CLOSE TO 4:00.
Hey. Princess.
I've been waiting for you.
Hey!
Get rid of your friend.
OH. MARSHALL, GO. GET OUT OF HERE.
ARE YOU GOING TO MOM'S ART SHOW, EVEN?
NO!
UH...
[ Singsong voice ] OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR SOME BALLOONACY!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HI.
COOL?
THANK YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT'S A MAZE.
MM-HMM.
ONE SEC.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.
DAMN.
YOU'VE SPENT MORE TIME PAINTING THAT BICENTENNIAL FLAG
THAN THE WHOLE HOUSE.
THERE. NOW IT'S PERFECT.
HEY! WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS WAIT FOR ME?
I WAS MAKING SURE THAT WAS A LEGAL SPOT.
[ SIGHS ] YOU KNOW, NOW I'M NOT SO SURE IF IT WAS.
YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD. I'M GONNA GO BACK.
MOM?
HEY.
[ SMOOCHES ] THANKS FOR COMING.
SO...THIS IS IT? MY LIAR BOX IS IN THERE?
YEAH, IT'S IN THERE.
I LIKE IT.
FROM NOW ON, I'LL SEND ALL MY LOVE-THEMED GARBAGE YOUR WAY.
Lionel: MARSHALL!
HUH.
[ LAUGHS ]
ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S HERE WITH HIM.
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
COME ON. GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
[ CRUNCHES ]
YOU WANT A BUMP?
COKE?
OH, MY GOD, LIONEL!
A-BOMBS!
SOME PEOPLE KNOW IT AS A PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION
FOR ATTENTION DEFICIT.
I'VE NEVER HAD THAT.
OKAY, SURE.
HEY, GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS IN HERE.
ART, BATHROOMS, DRUGS.
[ GASPS ] IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING IN NEW YORK.
YOU KNOW, I MET TED IN NEW YORK.
HE WAS MY PROFESSOR AT THE NEW SCHOOL,
TEACHING GREGORIAN CHANT.
[ SNIFFS ]
BACK WHEN THAT MONK ALBUM WAS ALL THE RAGE.
IT WAS VERY HOT.
GOT TO SAY, I'M A BIG FAN OF TED'S BLOUSE.
TOMMY BAHAMA IS LIKE ED HARDY
FOR 65-YEAR-OLD FAT MEN.
[ LAUGHS ]
Ted: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN AN EGYPTIAN GUY?
HE'S ABOUT 30 YEARS OLD.
H-H-HE'S REALLY GOOD-LOOKING...
Lionel: MARSHY?
TOOT TOOT?
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
COME TO THE DARK SIDE, MY LITTLE TURTLE.
[ BOTH SNIFF ]
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
NEIL.
HEY.
HELLO.
UM...THIS --
I-I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN THIS.
HUH. HUH.
WELL, THAT'S A WASTE OF A HELL OF A LOT OF GOOD CHEESE NIPS.
HEY, IS IT JUST ME, OR IS ANYONE ELSE BLOWN AWAY
BY THE LEVEL OF DETAIL
ON THIS WEE, LITTLE BICENTENNIAL FLAG?
OKAY, READY YOURSELF FOR A POP.
YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIEND?
I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL LIKE POPPING ANY MORE BALLOONS.
I DON'T REALLY THINK IT'S WORTH A NEW BLENDER
OR AN "IT" BAG.
W-Well, w-w-we can, um...
put n-new things on your wishlist.
Just... tell me what you want.
Anything.
ANYTHING?
A VESPA.
A PINK VESPA.
[ Chuckling ] I'M SORRY, MAN,
BUT THERE IS SOME CRAP IN THE ART WORLD
THAT I JUST DON'T GET.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
HI.
HEY.
I'M OVER HERE TALKING TO ELI ADLER,
WHO IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ART-GALLERY OWNERS
IN KANSAS CITY,
AND WE BOTH OVERHEAD YOU, MY HUSBAND,
CALLING MY ART "CRAP."
[ SIGHS ]
HONESTLY, I...DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHOSE IT WAS.
WELL, MY NAME'S ON IT -- RIGHT THERE.
THAT SAYS "TARA CRAINE" -- YOUR MAIDEN NAME.
YEAH, WELL, I JUST, UH...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I JUST SIGNED IT THAT WAY.
I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY LATE
WHEN I FINISHED WORKING LAST NIGHT,
AND, UM, IT JUST CAME OUT.
LYNDA THOUGHT IT WAS INTERESTING.
WOW. WELL...
I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO YOU FOR 18 YEARS,
AND I HAVE TO AGREE -- THAT'S PRETTY INTERESTING.
JESUS CHRIST.
LET ME ASK YOU A FUCKING QUESTION.
[ SCOFFS ]
LET'S JUST SAY YOU HAD A NEW ALTER NAMED TARA OR TARA CRAINE.
WOULD YOU KNOW?
OH, MY GOD.
MAX, I DON'T -- I DON'T --
[ SIGHS ]
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
CAN'T I JUST HAVE ONE GOOD NIGHT?
YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE!
WHAT ABOUT ME?
COULD I MAYBE GET ONE GOOD YEAR?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH OF MY FUCKING LIFE
I DEDICATE TO GIVING YOU GOOD DAYS AND GOOD NIGHTS?
OH, I KNOW, MAX, BUT I FINALLY FIND SOMETHING
THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ME --
OH, THIS MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU, HUH?
NOT US? N-NOT -- NOT OUR HOUSE?
I JUST WANTED SOME SPACE TO BE ABLE TO --
YOU WANT SOME SPACE?!
YOU WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO DO YOUR THING?!
YOU TAKE ALL THE FUCKING TIME YOU WANT.
I'M -- I'M GONNA NEED A RIDE...HOME?
OH, YEAH. I'M SURE WE COULD DO THAT.
UM...
CAN WE DO THAT, HONEY?
[ FIREWORKS EXPLODING, WHISTLING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
I CAN'T GO OUT THERE. NO, NO, NO.
I-I, UH, I HAVE A-A PHOBIA OF FIREWORKS.
EVER SINCE I WAS LITTLE,
SOMETHING ABOUT THE NOISE JUST FREAKS ME OUT.
[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]
* YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU'D STAY WITH ME *
* AND SHELTER ME FOREVER
* THAT WAS A HARD PROMISE TO KEEP *
* I CAN'T BLAME YOU FOR THE BAD WEATHER *
[ POUNDING ON DOOR ] * I CAN'T BLAME YOU FOR THE BAD WEATHER *
* AFTER ALL THAT HAS BEEN SAID AND DONE *
* I WON'T ASK YOU WHERE YOU'RE GOING *
* DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH
DARK NIHILIST: Oh, God! I'm coming!
Ohhhh!
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
[ DOOR UNLOCKS ]
* DID YOU EVER BELIEVE THE LIES THAT YOU TOLD? *
* DID YOU EARN THE FOOL'S GOLD THAT YOU GAVE ME? *
* MM
* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
* OOOOOOOOH
* OOH, OOH, OOH
* OOOOOOOH
* OOH, OOH
* DID YOU EVER BELIEVE THE LIES THAT YOU TOLD? *
* DID YOU EARN THE FOOL'S GOLD THAT YOU GAVE ME? * [ FIREWORKS EXPLODING ]